I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
