none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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