haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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