my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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