she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
