My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
