anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
