You just made me feel so damn special
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
