Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
