got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
