hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
