stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
