george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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