I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
