I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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