I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
