we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
