my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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