Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
