bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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