My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
