i was born a porn star she said
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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