you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
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Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
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When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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