My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
