My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
