watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
