So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
