I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
