I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
