I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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