Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
