I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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