is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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