i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
