Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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