he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
