I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
