in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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