At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
