Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
