Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
