i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
