My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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