I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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