I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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