on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
