I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
