My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
