what day is it and did you see me today?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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