Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
