Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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