You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
