After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
