I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
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Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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