i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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