Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my phone needs a breathalizer
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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