just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
