Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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