my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
