I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
