Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
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Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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