3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
