i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
