Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
